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Archive for June, 2008

Juggling

There’s something very cool about juggling.

I think I’ve been juggling for about a year now, since my dad is very capable, he’s been giving me lessons from time to time. I picked up the basic cascade, and since then, I found out that Andrew is also a juggler, which is very cool. I think part of the joy of juggling is finding another juggler, where you can learn new tricks and share some of your own. There are plenty of tricks that you can perform with a friend, like take-a-ways, side by side juggling, across juggling, tons of great shtuff.

My dad is fond of saying that juggling is about being imperfect. As much as you strive for a rhythm and pattern, you’re pretty much always going to drop something at some point. Otherwise you end up losing control and barely catching it. Either way, it’s kind of like life. You’ll find a rhythm for a time, you’ll find a way of doing things. Sometimes you’ll get really good at a bunch of tricks, but you always end up bringing it back down into the basic cascade and finishing.

Imperfection that captivates. And no one really cares if you drop the props, because you’re doing something really cool with them when you’re not. Juggling’s a great skill to have, I think. It can entertain children for hours on end. Back when I was just learning to juggle, we went to Arizona. It might have been this Christmas? Had to have been. Anyway, I was in the airport, and I had brought my Dad’s “tossed salad” juggling set with me-tomato, cucumber, and carrot beanbags-and was tossing them around. This little girl was just enraptured with it. It’s really quite fun; I plan to show the kids I volunteer with some juggling the next time I go over there. I think they’ll enjoy it. It’s hard to imagine how you can keep 3 objects flying around in the air, making them chase each other, bounce with a beat, and all flow so elegantly, when in reality you’re just tossing them up and holding on for the ride!

I love the feeling that comes with performing a new trick for the first time. There’s always a burst of exhiliration and a little laugh that comes along; I get really excited when I see how something works or is done, and when I can do it myself, it’s just a blast.

And juggling two with one hand? It’s sweet. You can balance a pair of things that both want to be in the same place at the same time, by just stretching out your hand. I feel like a magician, a wizard, when I do that.

$it\'s like trying to corral pure energy with your bare hands$

1 comment June 30, 2008

Challenge.

I’ve been talking and thinking about the word and concept of “challenge” lately. In essence, I have no challenges right now (well, a few, I’ll list them later). Overall, though, I need a challenge to continue with life. There are times for rest, and I’ve just had one, I feel well earned, after 13 years of schooling and more importantly and recently the final year. However, once far enough into this place, the tendency is to not care enough to find challenges. Sure, if a challenge meets me, I may rise to it, but challenges, as Will pointed out, are not coming to me of their own accord. He mentioned that now, in between school and college (which is a challenge I did, believe it or not, have to choose), people will no longer keep me out of trouble. It’s my responsibility to find challenges for myself. So, now I will, as a smaller challenge, analyze the concept of challenge.

First, the consequences of not challenging oneself. The most obvious is failure to learn or improve. By not challenging one’s self, one has nothing to improve against. Without challenge, there is merely repetition of something that is already known. Some forms for repetition, granted, may be beneficial, but without challenge, it is much less productive (for me, at least). Other consequences of not challenging one’s self regularly include a severe loss of discipline and increase in apathy. Simply put, if you don’t do anything now, it’s going to be exponentially harder to do things later. Atrophy is a medical idea that applies equally as well to your mental status. If you choose not to challenge yourself now, be prepared to learn less and less over your lifetime.

Second, the areas of challenge.
Physical-challenges that pertain to your physical body, i.e., the challenge to keep in shape, the challenge to improve at sports, the challenge to maintain a level of adequacy in some tasks, the challenge to keep healthy.

Mental-challenges that pertain to your mind, i.e., the challenge of critical thinking, the challenge of reading, the challenge of various advanced mathematics, sciences, and languages, the challenge of speaking in tongues, the challenge of speaking in multiple tongues, the challenge of maintaining a certain level of adequacy in various areas, the challenge of learning new things, the challenge of problem solving, the challenge of balancing right brain and left brain, the challenge of being creative, the challenge of learning to perform new tasks.

Spiritual-challenges that pertain to your soul, i.e., the challenge that is religion, the challenge that is philosophy, the challenge of analyzing yourself, the challenge of analyzing your environment, the challenge of free and open minded thinking, the challenge of learning and understanding challenges, the challenge of psychology.

Emotional-challenges that pertain to your emotional upkeep, i.e., the challenge to maintain relationships, the challenge to pursue new relationships, the challenge of having or beginning a romantic relationship, the challenge of losing various relationships, the challenge of balancing the other areas so that emotionally you stay in balance as well, the challenge of controlling various emotions such as anger, the challenge of processing emotions and states of being such as apathy, sadness, and loss, the challenge of finding outlets for emotions.

Third, an analysis of my performance in these various areas, and a designation of places to improve.

Physical: In terms of physical challenges, I’ve been faking it. I’ve been going through the motions, showing up to fencing practice, having a bout with Steve, coaching my class, but my heart hasn’t been in it. I haven’t been practicing epee or sabre at all. I don’t do any drills nor practice at home. Part of this has been a lack of coach at the club, but the blame is with me. I have people to do drills with. If I concentrate, I really could fence epee or sabre. I just…don’t. Steve approached me and we’ve made some plans to start drilling each other at practice, or just in whatever spare time he (and hopefully eventually I have time to designate as “spare”) has. However, a condition of this is that I need to practice at home. Part one is to keep a weapon at home, since I mostly leave my gear at RCF (which will change soon anyway). Then, I need to practice keeping my arm still, as well as making small, neat movements. Steve suggested using the computer chair to flick against, steadily turning it away as I progress. I think having the weapon sitting around will increase the likelihood of my using it to practice. In terms of keeping in shape goals, I do fine by running, walking, bicycling or fencing every day, but I don’t do enough upper body work, and I definitely eat much too poorly to keep myself healthy. A good chunk of this comes from my not getting up until lunch time and thus missing two of three meals, and grazing the rest of the day. Hopefully by a) getting a job and b) training myself to get up earlier, I will be able to catch the lunchtime meal if not the breakfast one.

Mental: My mental challenges for myself have been at a minimum, I think out of all of my challenge areas. I have spent days on end mostly in my room, watching videos on the internet, or emailing, or doing anything of that sort. I have done very little creatively (although this is a result of my being mostly creative computer wise, and not having the resources to do that right now), but I could have been blogging more often, or even writing some of the story I had started on here. I had options to write scripts for movies, or even continue working on Brick, which I haven’t done yet. This would be a good way to challenge myself emotionally as well. I have been working a tiny bit to learn some web programming, which would be very good for me to have, so I should continue along those lines. I intended to pick up a book, and there are tons of web resources. I already tried out some basic code, and it seems fairly easy when you’re just working on the starting bits, but eventually it gets very very complicated, and seems a worthy challenge. Just in the last ten minutes I came up with a clever character idea that I could run with. In terms of reading to expand my mind, though, I’ve been doing fairly well. I’ve read about a third of the freshman connections book for Ball State, which is about global warming, and I finished a book on Spiritual Warfare, called “This Present Darkness”. I have plenty of extremely famous books from the greatest thinkers on earth, courtesy of Mrs. Norman that I haven’t touched, as well as an untapped library and a Barnes and Noble card. I’m lacking in mental challenges from not working. Without working, I have nothing that needs my attention, no tasks to attend to, no new skills to learn. I’m forced to create and discover new things to try my paw at. I really should write more, as it’s fun for me, and I would like to push my limits in that area. It helps to move my mental ideas into written word (the basis for this blog, in all honesty).

Spiritual: Much of the spiritual challenge flows from the mental challenge. I glean spiritual ideas from reading and from speaking with others. I’ve actually held well to the reading side of things and spoken with my dad a little. Will has been another source for that realm of things, and we’ve had interesting if not frustrating (for me) talks about freedom and the like. To continue, I hope to add more books and conversations to my resume. However, blogging and writing are also good ways to further my studies in this area. I have a school assignment already that would challenge me mentally, but by analyzing such ideas as I am now, I challenge myself in terms of focus and critical thinking, as well as examine my beliefs about challenges.

Emotional: If mental is not the most depleted challenge set I have, emotional is. I learn to reserve myself, yes, but my emotions manifest themselves in my apathy, spirit, and eating detriments. However, in terms of relationships, I lack in some areas, particularly the ability or experience of anything romantic. I do maintain a steady relationship with my fencers and their parents, with the RCF regulars, Will, Ed and Kerby, Paul and Mark, Josh, and I have plans to hopefully get together for lunch with some friends, and perhaps even go canoeing with others. I need to initiate those things first though. People don’t seem to be opposed to doing things, they just need to be not busy. I’ve stepped it up a little there. The challenge of pursuing new relationships is difficult, because I have nowhere in which to do that. That’s another point where getting a job comes in. That would be an outlet for making new friends and enemies, and everything in between. And perhaps forging new relationships isn’t limited to meeting new people (of which I will be doing plenty next year) but is also a part of bringing mere acquaintances up to the level of friends, and taking a more involved role in the lives of people I consider to be friends and good friends already. I’m pretty well hosed on the romantic side of things though, I have no idea how to go about doing that sort of thing. But, I can hear Will telling me that that doesn’t matter. That’s probably not stopped people in the past, and, in reality, that’s the only way that you start, by not knowing anything. Therein lies the challenge.

It’s important to keep these areas balanced, but also to advance in all of them. Without that advancement, without the challenge, there is not growth, there is no improvement, and there is not actualization of goals. Only then am I really living life. Right now, I’m very much just existing.

Add comment June 23, 2008

‘the Atrophy of Hope?’ or ‘Look Harder’

More like the atrophy of myself. These first few weeks of freedom from high school and summer have not been fun. I’ve applied for work, nearly a different place for each day of the week for the last couple of weeks, worked on the yearbook, and gone to grad parties, which is not bad at all. However, it’s the time spent between. The time where I vegetate in front of the computer for hours, doing nothing. Yesterday, I spent nearly 8 hours watching ‘the Office’ online…just because it was something to watch. I was able-for better or worse-to live vicariously through the characters. It helped because a) the camera work is very raw and documentary-esque, evoking a feeling of your actually being there, like you’re seeing through some nth co-worker’s eyes and b) the plot line is fairly positive, there’s a romantic relationship that is very sweet, yet comedy around that, in general, it’s just people living. It’s strange to me that that appeals, because what I really feel I need right now is a challenge. I haven’t been challenged yet this summer (or sought out a challenge, perhaps?) My blog writing has been minimal. I’ve been waiting on my new computer to get my creative software back. I made a half-assed attempt to learn HTML and CSS code the other day, but I was far too lazy and uninterested to get too involved in it, although that may come in the not too distant future. If the challenge is to find a challenge, I’m disappointed in my challenge. I need to find a new one.

Physically I think I’ve challenged myself. For about every time I’ve applied to a place to work, I’ve walked a mile or two or rode the bike for more like four miles. Usually in the middle I take a break to do a gymnasticky workout. I’ve also been fencing my customary 3 times a week, but they’re poor excuses for doing anything. I just sort of go and hang out for a bit to make sure no one else is coming, more than anything. I fence Steve once a week, but that’s it, since his schedule is so busy. We did talk last night though about trying to drill with each other a bit, and I think that would really help. That would be a challenge. Defined and with goals that could be set. Also, it’s a good way to improve myself mentally and physically.

I feel almost as if I’m back out on the farm again, but my mind is vegging in an even worse fashion-it’s beginning to atrophy. On the farm, at least, I made up challenges for myself. I thought about books and stories, though. Same here. (side note: I think another reason for my watching whole seasons of TV Shows at a time is that I treat them like visual books. I want to know the end of the story. I’m not satisfied with individual chapters. I tend to like to read books straight through, without distractions or interruptions. I guess that’s just how it’s shaking out with TV shows as well). I don’t want stories though. I want life. I should know where to find it, but I don’t. I fence. I hang out with my pals, I demo fencing. I apply for work. I’ve read a book and a half in the past week, one to connect with my dad and the other an assignment for college. What else?

More people? Will said something interesting to me the other day about that. I wonder if there’s a group of people I’m missing. I have some ideas for things to do. I just need to choose the right people to do them with. I can choose Kerby and Ed all the time, that’s true. And I really do have fun when I’m hanging out with them, but I also need to expand. Shives was a good start. I have plans for lunches with Chibana and Jasmyn, Chase, and Jill and Emily. I also tossed around the idea of a canoe trip-I love canoeing. Volunteers? Anyway, that’s a start. But that’s not every day. What do I do every day?

I guess that’s where work comes in. Somewhere to go, to make money, and to build other relationships. But hopefully somewhere to enjoy spending your life.

I would like to liken the challenge(s) I’m looking for to the struggle that is the true learning, proving, and real ground of life. But then, somewhere along the lines there, there is purpose. A purpose. A reason to fight. Something that drives you. Something that makes you happy to pursue. I used to believe that it was just the fight that mattered. I’m not so sure. Maybe if you have a cause worth fighting for, then it just becomes the fight. But my spirit says that there are things worth fighting for. And some I’ve already found. Some I haven’t.

They’re there. I just haven’t been looking hard enough.

1 comment June 21, 2008

Protected: Roses: the Fight

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Something to Say.

For a long while, I’ve had the unshakable feeling that I’d missed something throughout my senior year of high school. A feeling that despite my efforts, something escaped me, something I should have noticed, one small word or opportunity that I should have acted upon, and things would have been so very different.
A part of me really would like to know what it is that I forgot, what I missed. I have a feeling it was something wonderful.
But I really may never know.
Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia often tells the children that it is not theirs to know what could have happened, neither to themselves nor to their comrades or even any others.
So then, I don’t know. Am I never to know? It may be moot now, but I wish I knew whether or not it was too late, I guess. I want to know, did I completely miss it? Or am I still trying to find it?

The question immediately following “what did I miss?” is “can I still find it?”

Part of me worries that I’m not letting go enough, but another part is willing to keep trying, at least for the time being.

I was just conversing with my friend, Matt, though, and the one thing about life is that, you can’t go back. There’s no time machine. Humans have but one constraint, and that is time. It is the fourth dimension that we possess but cannot manipulate nor move freely about in. Therein lies the virtue of an open mind. Keep your mind open, and you will miss much less.

In the realm of unshakable feelings, I also feel as if I have something to say right now, but I’m not sure what it is.

Eventually, I will understand. Eventually, I will lay down my staff and rest my tired feet. Until then, though, I am to walk a path trod by every man, but at the same time, by no man, and perhaps sooner rather than later along the way, I will find these circumstances that I am missing, and act on them, perhaps sooner rather than later along the way, I will discover what it is that I really do want to say.

5 comments June 8, 2008

Part 1: Facets of Diamond

Author’s Note: This is the beginning of a story. I intend to write more on it; there is a thought I have that I’d like to explore through a different medium for a time, so we’ll see if this works. However, I would not be opposed to seeing what anyone who reads this comes up with in terms of what might happen next in this story. That’s the beauty of a story. Any given reader can have any given interpretation of a piece. Let’s take it to the next level, shall we? And, if not, please just enjoy some good, old fashioned storytelling.

________________________________________________________________________________________

Light flicked around onto the stone walls, catching every crease in the mortar with a brilliant flash of white. As the colours danced, the walls seemed to melt into a swirling nebula. Sitting on a cold floor, a man, or what was perhaps once a man, played out the reflections onto the steel clouds from a delicate crystal that he twirled in his hands. In sharp contrast to the misty walls and pure light was the maroon blood that caked the man’s hands and their precious jewel.

“Careful,” A voice echoed in the mist of the man’s mind. “You may just loose yourself along the way.” The sound came from all directions, from all places, from all depths, and as the man glanced into the clouds about him, he saw a long, grassy field…from the end of it, he heard the voice calling to him. “Are you prepared to stand strong, Son of Adam?”

“I am,” he heard another answer, from all directions, but at once, only one.

“Then stand, and prepare to feel the full burden of knowledge and responsibility,” yelled the voice aloud.

The man drew back, with a scream of horror; the crystal slipped from his hands, and he fell back. A sharp pain grew in his chest and crimson fluid spilled down his tunic. Eyes wide with fear, he turned his gaze to his own body, and pulled, at the end of a short shaft, a diamond from his own chest. An arrow, carrying with it the full burden of knowledge and responsibility. He fell back onto the clouds, and twisted the object in his hands. A thousand different windows. Each one reflects something different. Each one is a different face spawning from the same core. He stared hard, then felt his eyes unfocus as his head lolled to the side and his mind sunk down further into the clouds of his memories.

1 comment June 5, 2008

Is This It?

There was a point in my life where I really did enjoy summer. I looked forward to days of doing nothing, days of just mucking about with photoshop or legos or some other little project. Things change as you get over. Summer to me just means the air is humid, the temperatures are soaring, the rain clouds close in, and I spend the time between yearbook and work sleeping, with more sleep at night. The expected time spent with friends is minimal, the long nights, impossible.

I don’t understand. Nothing seems to work out how it should. I had one week of semi-fun summer: grad parties, sleeping, relatives, graduation, fencing, etc, but beyond that, things have felt just disgusting. There’s something about this terribly humid, wet weather that I hate as well. I think it comes from too many hours spent on a farm dragging around in the mud and rain, and a stickiness that doesn’t come off.

I don’t know what “how it should” should be. I guess I don’t want the feeling that everything is humid and nasty and I don’t want to hate being at home, at school, at practice, and at work. I want something to be appealing to me. I want a place to go to where I’m happy, no matter what other hell has been going on.

That used to be RCF. Now it’s nowhere. Not home, not even some little corner of my mind.

Summer sucks. It’s not like I expect parties at the beach or anything. But I kind of hoped to enjoy some aspect of it. I’m not sure what I can do to change it either.

I’m not even sure what would be fun for me anymore. I lost myself along my way here.

I think that was a poor choice.

Now what?

1 comment June 3, 2008

Protected: Roses: Wow.

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Countdown to the End: Day 7: the End: Will Read

On Facebook, I’m enacting a countdown to the end-changing my profile picture to reflect some of the most influential people in my life. Here to accompany the photo changes will be a set of posts each covering the person for that day. For this, the seventh and final day, may I present…Will Read.

I met Will Read my freshman year when I started fencing with John Levy, back in 2004. I met him again in probably February for the second annual RCF/JFC Open in the early spring 2006, during my sophomore year. I’ve blogged many times about him, and he’s the initial instigator of this blog, whether he knows it or not. Of the many things Will has been for me (teacher, coach, fellow fencer, friend, mentor), I’ve always known him first as my coach. In many ways, that was his primary role in my life for a long time, up to the point where I realized I was welcome to be a friend, and that I was going to be included in the infamous RCF/Will Read Group/Dynasty/Family.

Will has taught me many things about life, and how to meet it. He’s been my mentor through my transition into adulthood, showing me that life is much more confusing than it originally seemed, but at the same time that you can laugh and make fun of life, and she’ll play along. Many of my uptight attitudes have been loosened by him; now, I am willing to scream while going across the street, and most of all, to take chances. Will has taught me to fence, to coach, to armour, and to lead. He’s represented the biggest and coolest thing to happen to me yet, and has been one of the most, if not the most, important person to me, and deserves to be recognized as such. I chose him of all my teachers to be honored at the Academic Honors Banquet, because his areas of expertise aren’t limited to computer programming and letter grades, but expand to include practical elements of instruction in life. That’s why he’s the best teacher I’ve ever had. Other teachers impart knowledge and wisdom on me, Will gave me life, the same as Mr. Herber gave me freedom.
I could blog about all the things Will has done for me for days, and not express everything. I’ve linked some of the more important posts I’ve made regarding him below, and I can only imagine there will be more to come. From trips to tournaments all over, to coaching at SN’s and JO’s, to driving to Wisconsin to ref, to a late night run for a Shake, to grilling out at his place, to long nights at practice and my foil lessons at 5:30 on Friday afternoons, to huge bears in Denver to Bubba Gump’s in Miami, to fights over the check at Hot Box and in Rosemont, the Dave Twins, a huge basket in Colombus, a slightly smaller roll of tip tape that he wasn’t supposed to buy, to new Vnity foils, cheetah arguments, and a million different lessons I’ve learned from him, Will has been there for nearly everything.

For that, and so much more, I thank you, Will.