Get With It

I’ve been out of it (pretty unmotivated and not very focused) since Wednesday night. The weurd thing is that I was super motivated and all over everything right up until the end of practice. Now I feel all crazy and way not with it.

also: the WordPress for iPod app doesn’t use the autocorrect feature of the os. Why the fuck not? This whole damn post was nigh on impossible to write.

Slippery Grip

Somewhere between Tuesday afternoon where I was burning all my energy out on excerise and completing a huge number of urgent tasks that evening, and Wednesday afternoon where I couldn’t complete a 5 question physics homework in 2 hours and where I feel like I failed miserably at practice and being a good role model and friend, I lost me again.  I thought I had it between fencing on Monday and everything I got done on Tuesday.

Guess I couldn’t hold on to it that long.

Google Suites

I have 3 Google Voice invites and 19 Google Wave nominations to give out.  Anyone interested?

 

25 Google Wave nominations, no Google Voice invites.

Point.

It’s…about time I moved out.

and if every weekend continued with…

…more World Championship watching, more fencing with Steve and Pavel, and more time with Michelle, I don’t know what I’d do.

If Every Weekend…

…started with fencing Steve on Friday night, led into watching fencing World Championships on Saturday morning, included practicing with Pavel in the afternoon, and ended with two hours in the armoury with Michelle, I would be a very happy man.

Some people…

Were it not for those groups of people, I’d give up on life a lot.  They are people who make me want to get up in the morning, stay late into the evening, and answer their calls first.  They are people who given the choice I’d spend every day with, but I love them more when I don’t get to.  They are people I’d sacrifice a lot for.  Maybe even me.

What does it mean when there are people who matter more to you than you?

Is that love?

is that healthy?

does it matter?

Me:

I do not like me.

Wandering Mind

I’ve always felt a little gypped by the fact that my parents “barred” me from dating in high school.  I understand their reasoning-they wanted me to develop an identity separate from someone else-but I feel like learning to have that kind of relationships while still on the proving ground would have helped me.  Now I feel like I have no idea what to do-and the vibe I get from everyone else is that I should only a choose a relationship-i.e., my first and only relationship should be one-where the other person is the person I should spend the rest of my life with.  I see a couple of problems with this.  The first is that I don’t think it’s that easy to walk into the perfect relationships-it takes understanding of love, and how relationships work-as well as having found a mate with the same understandings-not easy.  Also, there is a sexual component present in every human, and it’s hard to deny physical attractions and needs- and when they’re suppressed, I think they promote awkwardness, promiscuity, and a lack of understanding on the subject-it’s something that needs an outlet, and I really don’t know where all that goes.  Is it supposed to be an exercise in willpower? I’m not saying I want to go out and fuck every night, but I think sexually mature humans might need to work on relationships-romantic ones-without suppressing that entire part of their deveopment.  And yes, I’m talking about me, here.  I’m not immune.  I’m trying to avoid my mind wandering to a relationship where the emotional love is not the driving force, because I do believe that the emotional connection is what makes a relationship last, but it’s tough-tough as well because there’s a rather large social stigma about it: young adults are, according to media (and the general feel from observing the others around analyzing most of what goes on in the world around oneself) supposed to form relationships, start families, etc.  Part of this is timing-and for me as well-you’re supposed to have children while you’re young-it makes sense, because you are physically able to for only so long.  And if you’re not going to spend your life alone, you want to find that “lifelong partner” sooner rather than later.  And that particular person is tied to the physical component of relationships that young people are so good at.  Every day without it feels like failure.  And doubly so for me, because I feel as though love is a huge part of my purpose.  Not to say that other people and my other relationships aren’t fulfilling a significant part of that purpose, but my mind goes back to the physical part, because, well, I’m 19.  I distinctly dislike that actually.  I wish I could turn that off, and approach things from the other angle.  Because, frankly, that’s easier.

How do people fall in love?

What makes two people so uniquely suited to each other that no one else in the world will do?  I suppose part of it ties into this realization:  “There’s someone else.  Someone not just a pretty face”  Basically, this means that no matter how attractive someone is, they must be lacking in one quality, one puzzle piece, perhasps a simple as a year in age, perhaps more complex, if they’re not that “one”.  That is, of course, assuming that each person on earth has exaclty one mate.  And part of me whispers that we do.  Why else do people get stuck on one another?  But how do two people know that the other is that one?  And if it’s so easy to mistake that one (other relationships, why do they happen?) how can we be sure which one is which?  It seems to me that love is a journey in addition to being a connection.  And through all that, an open question remains:

how do people fall in love?