Google Suites

I have 3 Google Voice invites and 19 Google Wave nominations to give out.  Anyone interested?

Point.

It’s…about time I moved out.

and if every weekend continued with…

…more World Championship watching, more fencing with Steve and Pavel, and more time with Michelle, I don’t know what I’d do.

If Every Weekend…

…started with fencing Steve on Friday night, led into watching fencing World Championships on Saturday morning, included practicing with Pavel in the afternoon, and ended with two hours in the armoury with Michelle, I would be a very happy man.

Some people…

Were it not for those groups of people, I’d give up on life a lot.  They are people who make me want to get up in the morning, stay late into the evening, and answer their calls first.  They are people who given the choice I’d spend every day with, but I love them more when I don’t get to.  They are people I’d sacrifice a lot for.  Maybe even me.

What does it mean when there are people who matter more to you than you?

Is that love?

is that healthy?

does it matter?

Me:

I do not like me.

Wandering Mind

I’ve always felt a little gypped by the fact that my parents “barred” me from dating in high school.  I understand their reasoning-they wanted me to develop an identity separate from someone else-but I feel like learning to have that kind of relationships while still on the proving ground would have helped me.  Now I feel like I have no idea what to do-and the vibe I get from everyone else is that I should only a choose a relationship-i.e., my first and only relationship should be one-where the other person is the person I should spend the rest of my life with.  I see a couple of problems with this.  The first is that I don’t think it’s that easy to walk into the perfect relationships-it takes understanding of love, and how relationships work-as well as having found a mate with the same understandings-not easy.  Also, there is a sexual component present in every human, and it’s hard to deny physical attractions and needs- and when they’re suppressed, I think they promote awkwardness, promiscuity, and a lack of understanding on the subject-it’s something that needs an outlet, and I really don’t know where all that goes.  Is it supposed to be an exercise in willpower? I’m not saying I want to go out and fuck every night, but I think sexually mature humans might need to work on relationships-romantic ones-without suppressing that entire part of their deveopment.  And yes, I’m talking about me, here.  I’m not immune.  I’m trying to avoid my mind wandering to a relationship where the emotional love is not the driving force, because I do believe that the emotional connection is what makes a relationship last, but it’s tough-tough as well because there’s a rather large social stigma about it: young adults are, according to media (and the general feel from observing the others around analyzing most of what goes on in the world around oneself) supposed to form relationships, start families, etc.  Part of this is timing-and for me as well-you’re supposed to have children while you’re young-it makes sense, because you are physically able to for only so long.  And if you’re not going to spend your life alone, you want to find that “lifelong partner” sooner rather than later.  And that particular person is tied to the physical component of relationships that young people are so good at.  Every day without it feels like failure.  And doubly so for me, because I feel as though love is a huge part of my purpose.  Not to say that other people and my other relationships aren’t fulfilling a significant part of that purpose, but my mind goes back to the physical part, because, well, I’m 19.  I distinctly dislike that actually.  I wish I could turn that off, and approach things from the other angle.  Because, frankly, that’s easier.

How do people fall in love?

What makes two people so uniquely suited to each other that no one else in the world will do?  I suppose part of it ties into this realization:  “There’s someone else.  Someone not just a pretty face”  Basically, this means that no matter how attractive someone is, they must be lacking in one quality, one puzzle piece, perhasps a simple as a year in age, perhaps more complex, if they’re not that “one”.  That is, of course, assuming that each person on earth has exaclty one mate.  And part of me whispers that we do.  Why else do people get stuck on one another?  But how do two people know that the other is that one?  And if it’s so easy to mistake that one (other relationships, why do they happen?) how can we be sure which one is which?  It seems to me that love is a journey in addition to being a connection.  And through all that, an open question remains:

how do people fall in love?

Prelude

We don’t live in a world where people can fight 100% of the time.  American’s have it easy.  We need more hardship.  Hardship (the journey, the struggle) is where people learn things.  Things don’t change often enough (and yet, I think I complain about things changing too much).  That leads me to two other thoughts.  First, I think living at home is stagnating a part of my development.  Too often when I’m not doing things I’m doing a vast amount of nothing.  And when I’m vehicleless, it’s a lot harder to get out.  I wish I could be at fencing practice every night, work on school work all day, and go to fencing tournaments/visit friends on the weekend.  It would keep things from stagnating.  There’s more of a chance for adventures.  There’s a reason  I need to move out of my parent’s house, and that’s because I should be developing new families-very much like what we did when we went to Chicago-something that A) Steve and I needt do do very much and B0 that most college freshman start right in on.

The other thought about the struggle/change is a question: does love forged out of close quarters during a struggle last?  I have two competing arguments.  By analogy, I would say “yes” because any weapon forged in an intense heat is so much the stronger, as the impurities are removed.  The flip is my own personal analysis: when I went to England, I made friends very fast-we were in close quarters, in a strange place, and lonely.  And yet, despite close contact afterwards, such relationships cooled quickly.  I wonder if love forged like that is strong until the layers are separated.  IF the layers are given time to solidify=-extended time in a “peace” situation-would they be stronger?  They would be able to grow together into something inseparable, versus a quick forged weapon that lasts for a short time while needed, and fades when it isn’t used.  Is it perpetual struggle that keeps people together, then?  Or merely longer than the sampling I had.  Maybe the change-the fire=needs to be permanent-things can’t easily be put back the way they are-like the transition to college from high school.  As long as you’re moving forward with it, it’ll last.  If things go back to the way they were (outside the relationship) it’d take an effort from within to maintain it.  Why maintain it?  A good question.  There has to be some reason.  Maybe it’s completely unexplainable (“love”).

First Thoughts

I don’t really like sitting down to think anymore.  I wonder why.  I imagine part of it is a “bias for action” in that since I made the decision to come to Purdue, I’ve been enjoying the ability to do things first and think about it at a separate time.  However, not thinking seems to me to be a loss of identity.  I was always the one who thought-the introspective one.  Now, I don’t know where my identity is.  I’m no the the fencing club leader-that’s Tiago’s job.  I’m not the all-American leader-that’s Steve.  I’ve lost role model Will (at least in terms of being affected by him every day-in some ways I’m taking over for him, but concurrently, I’m also modeling myself after Steve.  Somewhere in the middle, I lost a concept of who “Josh Williams” is, what he believes in, what and who he loves, what drives him, where his skills lie, and where his weakness are.)  Although, that may have happened a long time ago-namely, when I left high school-and now I’m slowly, painfully, rebuilding him, which leads to a couple of things: namely, my remodeling myself after Steve, and second, a perpetual feeling of unease and insecurity.  That said, I guess I could point to a few things that define new Josh Williams- the ability t owork hard and not quit, even when things to suck (working at Stanley Steemer all summer), the decision to make a change when things do suck-but more than that, to make a difficult decision that may very well have had no right answer (found in my transfer, which just about every day I feel is pointing me even more in the right direction).

What I remain curious about is the formulation of my own personal identity, and, as ever, the concept of love.

On that note, I think going to Ball State was necessary.  I had to do it, if only to put me here, now.  It still doesn’t feel right, but it does feel necessary.

I wonder, is everyone this vulnerable at this period in life?  Does my experience change me more than them?  I don’t think things would be better if I had breezed through my freshman year with ease.  That wasn’t what I needed to learn.  NOt to say that I already know those things, but they aren’t as necessary as these other lessons.  Being alone for a year taught me the value of freidship-and more than that, whoy m friends are.

Enjoyable as this validation is, there are also things I’ve already come to terms with.  What I remain curious about is the formulation of my own personal identity, and, as ever, the concept of love.