Seemed appropriate I couldn’t find my cup this morning…

…because I got kicked in the dick pretty good last night.  The girl I’m in love with not only tore my heart out when she told me we couldn’t date because of some magical other guy, but two months later starts dating a third guy with no mention of the second, and said third guy happens to be a member of my foil team.  She ripped my heart out, and now threw it on the floor and started rubbing it into the dirt.

Surprise

Didn’t think it could hurt worse :/

Going to be

I’m not ok right now.  Kinda want to cry and be depressed.  But I have this feeling that tomorrow morning I’m going to get up and go to class and go to work and go to practice and then come sleep.  Pete called it normal.  I’m going to be ok, and for the first time I believe that.  She told me she’s seeing someone else now.  I didn’t freak.  In fact, I finished my meeting.  Asked a question of a mentor character and discussed it with another.  I did me-type things.  I still love her.  I still dream of being with her.  But I’m going to be ok.  Not quite right now.  Not tomorrow.  Things will still suck.  But I’m going to be ok.

Psst

Still love you.  Want to come to the rescue all the time.  Every time.  Miss having you by my side all the time too.  You were my best friend.  Despite all the other things that I don’t think either of us really understand, that part was true.  And I miss that.

Pain

I hate every minute of every day now.  Everything hurts, even the memories hurt.  My life went to shambles and that’s just a hard to cope with.

hurt 2

never thanked me publicly for helping you any of the 100′s of times I did

hurt

Anyone want to bring me a midnight truffle blizzard because I can’t get my car out???

 

I do want to.  But I can’t.  You know I can’t.  :’(

Mentally losing it since Sunday night really badly don’t know what to do

Night

I quite literally dreampt about holding your hand last night.  It’s why I love the night so much.

Psychologist friend thinks it’s low self-esteem.  I agree but don’t know how to fix it.

 

Also, I still have strong feelings for her.  Can’t stop them.  Hurts every day.  Drained of energy and desire.  Depressed every day now and taking amino acid supplements (neuroreplete) because mom thinks my brain might be out of whack.  Didn’t want to.  Got bad enough I decided to.